Analyzing the Facebook Comments on My Salt Lake Tribune Article

I am a lib who does not understand finance. I also might be gay.

This past weekend, I was lucky enough to have an opinion piece published in the Salt Lake Tribune. The article, “If Ryan Smith can’t afford his own entertainment district, I have no choice but to assume he is poor,” is sillier and more sarcastic than most of what they publish, so naturally it has a lot of engagement. It has even more likes and shares than an article about Utah’s Furry community, to whom I apologize for the poor timing. You are seen, Furries. You are seen, and you are valid.

I was pretty proud of what I thought was a nuanced piece of satire that struck a balance between poignancy and humor. So naturally, I decided to go to a place where people appreciate such things — Facebook.com.

I don’t know about any of you, but I am still on Facebook. Like a brewery that’s tucked away in a weird neighborhood full of mostly vacant warehouses, Facebook is a strange, empty place where you’ll either have an OK time or get yelled at by a crazy person.

I do a stand-up bit about Facebook arguments that has been landing less and less over the years. It’s a shame. Every time I start it up, I can feel the audience go, “Why the hell is this dude talking about Facebook?” and yet I persist, because Facebook arguments are my favorite thing in the whole entire world.

So far, my article has generated 317 likes and 184 comments. That is the kind of ratio that can only mean everyone in the comments is having a great time and agreeing with each other.

Let me go check out all the nice things people are saying about me and each other, and I’ll be right back!

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OK, wow. You’re never going to believe this, but some people are fighting and saying mean things about me. So far, I’ve identified a few themes:

• I am a dumb lib who doesn’t understand finance

• I am poor

• I am a reporter for the Salt Lake Tribune and this is a report

• This is a serious piece of writing that should be taken seriously

• I am a reporter for the Salt Lake Tribune who thinks they have uncovered a conspiracy

• I am gay

• General internet meanness

I am a dumb lib who doesn’t understand finance

Unfortunately, the haters have me here. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing with money, and I understand what other people are doing even less. I understand billionaires least of all, because in terms of wealth and status, we have about as much in common as a giraffe has with a chipmunk or that a billionaire has with a human being.

The main response by pro-billionaire Facebook commenters, which is a real way to describe people who are able to look themselves in the mirror, is that I don’t understand net worth and liquid assets.

Jason is right. Ryan Smith doesn’t have billions of dollars on hand. He is invested in and owns companies valued at billions of dollars. He can’t just take out cash from the ATM and invest it in something he wants to create. He’d have to sell some of the things he owns, which he doesn’t want to. Think of the billionaires, won’t you?

Actually, this argument boils down to Ryan Smith not having actual money available, so these people agree with me that he is poor. Thanks everyone!

Side note, I would like to give a shoutout to Austin, a smart man who uses big words like “postulate.” Never mind that he forgot to add a second half to this sentence, and it has no discernible point whatsoever — words are whatever you want them to be Austin!

I am poor

A more pointed and direct offshoot of the “I don’t understand finance” argument, but no less true! I am poor. That is a big reason why I am angry that a guy with billions of dollars dollars in investments and assets wants some of my money. But people like JonTheLiar on Twitter, aka X, aka “Fast Angry Facebook” are right, I should suck it up and think of Ryan Smith.

I am a reporter for the Salt Lake Tribune and this is a report

This is my favorite one. I’ll admit I used to be a little in the dark about opinion pieces, but generally speaking, if an article starts with “Opinion:” it is not a piece of objective reporting. Which means its author is not necessarily a reporter.

Anyone can submit an opinion anywhere. The editor decides what gets published, so you can’t really get mad at the writer. If I wrote the piece “My Neighbor’s Couch Has Been On His Front Lawn For Too Long, No One Is Going to Take the Couch My Dude” and the New York Times agreed to publish it, that would frankly be on them.

Noah suggests that I should be fired from the Tribune, which I guess has already happened, since I don’t work there. In that case, I hope you and Noah support my woeful, simple-minded, broke, liberal existence by coming to The Weekend Show at Wiseguys this Friday at 8!

I am a reporter for the Salt Lake Tribune who thinks they have uncovered a conspiracy

Ryan Smith is poor and I can prove it! Join my sex cult and I will slowly reveal my secrets.

This is a serious piece of writing that should be taken seriously

In case you guys need to brush up too! https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Satire

I am gay

Not much you can say to that. Tyler got my ass.

General internet meanness

Just like multi-talented actor/writer/rapper Donald Glover, these comments can’t be put into just one box!

Nice commenters over at the Tribune

Shockingly, the people who regularly read the newspaper had very nice and genuine things to say about the article.

Sincerely, I am very glad to have had the opportunity to let people laugh and vent some frustration at someone who has more wealth than anyone has a moral right to. And I am glad a larger audience got to read my silly bullshit.