My Olympic Breaking Routine Was a Disaster
I am a disgrace to all of Liechtenstein.
Hello loyal readers,
You may have noticed that I haven’t sent out a post in a few weeks. You may also have noticed that my absence has coincided in part with the Paris Olympics. Eagle-eyed readers may have also noticed that a certain B-Boy Bri-Guy the Breakdance Bad Ass from Liechtenstein was disqualified in Round 1 of Men’s Breaking.
These events are related.
As the birthplace of breakdancing, or “Breaking,” as it’s officially known, America is home to some of the best breakers in the world. As a novice breaker, I knew I would have no chance in competing under these circumstances, so I found another way.
After a few quick google searches of “Which country has the fewest Olympic athletes” and “Liechtenstein citizenship forgery dark web,” I was in. My Olympic dream, to represent my Eastern Central European homeland and express my artistic soul through movement on the worldwide stage, was finally coming true after days of planning.
I know what you’re thinking: Brian, I didn’t see you at the Olympics at all.
No, much to my shame, you didn’t.
You didn’t see me on Liechtenstein’s boat during the Olympic opening ceremony, because Liechtenstein’s only other athlete, mountain biker Romano Püntener, pushed me into the Seine after I whispered, “Hey pal, you con these Euro-freaks too?”
I can confirm that the Seine was unfit for swimming at the time, as I soon contracted giardia and pooped my pants during the Men’s Synchronized Diving Finals.
And even after I recovered, when it was time for me to make my mark on the 2024 Olympics with my cool breaking, you still didn’t see me.
By now you’ve probably seen B-Girl Raygun, who went viral for her ridiculous breaking routine that included, among other things, hopping around like a kangaroo. Many have speculated that Raygun was “taking the piss,” as an Australian might say, and used taxpayer money to fund her free trip to Paris, where she decided to then go viral with an absurd dance routine.
To be clear, I tried very hard at breakdancing. At no point did I think, “This is such a good bit” or “Wow, I can’t believe I got away with this.” As I danced, my thoughts were closer to, “At last, the world will see me move,” and “My body is a divine instrument to the God of rhythm,” and “I am going to be on a Wheaties box.”
Imagine my disappointment — my despair — when I learned that my routine did not even make the air. Unlike Raygun, who also scored a 0.0 but still got her time in the sun, my dance was shuttered away by the Olympic elite.
And then I saw the judges’ comments. I was devastated. “Unintelligible.” “Not dancing.” “A disgrace to all of Liechtenstein.” “Too pornographic for broadcast television.” They also criticized my choice of music (“Closer” by Nine Inch Nails”) as “deeply disturbing.”
I was just bringing what was inside my soul into the world in the form of dance, but apparently the world thought that was inside my soul was “off-putting” and “sad.” I did not receive a single point, and was disqualified from the competition “just because.”
I was even uninvited from the Closing Ceremonies. I had to watch Tom Cruise riding his motorcycle on my phone in the airport, where I am currently awaiting extradition to the United States. It turns out that the Liechtenstein passport I bought off the dark web was actually printed on a 2016 issue of “Teen Vogue.”
People tell you all the time to follow your dreams. “Reach for the stars,” they say. “Even if you fall you, will land among the stars.”
I’m here to tell you not to follow your dreams. If you fall, NBC’s Mike Tirico will vomit during your breakdance routine, and the Prince of Liechtenstein will get on TV and say that he wishes you had never been born.