The Worst Job Description of All Time

Pulse 360 is on the prowl for a super chill digital dragoon.

I’m not sure if you’ve heard, but local marketing agency Pulse 360 is once again hiring a Branded Content Writer and Editor. How do I know? Because I have been getting job alerts for Pulse 360’s Branded Content Writer and Editor position for four entire years. I have never applied. I will never apply. I was fully unemployed during a global pandemic, and I still did not apply for this job. The fact that it reappears like clockwork every 8-10 months is proof that I made the right call.

Why am I so annoyed at Pulse 360? Because their job description is terrible. It is the digital version of getting cornered at a party by a guy who’s wearing a fedora and suspenders and keeps calling beer “libations.” It’s the Steve Buschemi “How do you do, fellow kids?” meme in real life, which isn’t really fair, because that is actually an excellent joke from 30 Rock. It’s more like the Steve Buschemi “How do you do, fellow kids?” meme, but it was posted by Hillary Clinton or the official Applebee’s Twitter account.

Let’s break it down together:

(Note: Marketing Agency’s name has been changed to protect myself from feeling too mean.)

Pulse 360 is on the prowl for a BRANDED—

OK, wow, I couldn’t even make it through the first sentence. Starting with “on the prowl” is certainly a choice. You should probably not be using that phrase if you are an accredited marketing agency and not, say, a recently divorced man about to debut a new party shirt.

I can’t imagine many people would stay interested after that, but if you like your companies horny, here’s the full intro sentence. 

Pulse 360 is on the prowl for a BRANDED CONTENT WRITER + EDITOR to join our award-winning team of digital dragoons.

Going from “on the prowl” to “digital dragoon” is quite the dismount. Like failing to get up onto the higher uneven bar, but still managing to hit yourself in the crotch on the lower one.

I looked up the definition of dragoon, because unlike what this writer likes to believe, it has a real definition and is not just a cool sounding word. As a noun, a dragoon is a “member of a European military unit formerly composed of heavily armed mounted troops.” Its closest synonym is “cavalryman.”

I would not like to be a digital cavalryman for Pulse 360. However, dragoon is also a verb, so maybe they meant “to force into submission or compliance especially by violent measures.” That would explain their 2.8-star Glassdoor rating.

If you love writing more than Orwell loved socialism, write like a modern day Hemingway and you can vibe well with fellow dragoons and clients alike -If after reading this, you doth protest not, methinks read on (see what we did there?)…

I doth protest, Pulse 360. I doth protest very much. And believe it or not, I see what you did there.

The Orwell/Hemingway thing here is a very annoying trope that you see a lot with copywriting job descriptions. For some reason, many of the people writing these think you need to be a very literary and well-read person to describe the “Four Best Methods to Relieve Constipation FAST.” It is bizarre, especially when you consider that a very well-read person would not be impressed that you know the one thing everyone else also knows about the world's most famous authors.

Also, I had dragoon-absence anxiety, so I'm glad to see it’s found its way back after all that time. I’m vibing for sure. 

These digital story-tellers will assist in brainstorming; writing branded content blogs and social video scripts; editing and posting work on client’s owned, earned and paid channels. -Think Jane Austen in Chucks armed to the teeth with an AP Style Guide, Thesaurus and an iMac. 

This is the point where (everytime another dragoon quits after 6 months) I usually start to get pretty pissed off. If you can read the words “Jane Austen in Chucks armed to the teeth with an AP Style Guide,” and have any other reaction than “This fuckin’ guy …” please get help for your Xanax addiction.  

Bonus points if you know the Electric Slide, Macarena or the Moon Walk -Friday afternoons can get a little weird.

If my coworkers asked me to moonwalk during the last hour of the workweek, I would write my Congressman.  

ABOUT US:

Pulse 360 is a next-generation boutique shop, serving up more hot digital sustenance than Satan’s Sous Chef.

Pulse 360 has still barely said anything about what their company does. This was their big shot, and they went with “next-generation boutique shop.”

It’s also a fun time to remember that usually the person who writes these descriptions is your immediate supervisor. Imagine this person being your boss: 

“Hey Brian, or should I say SATAN’S SOUS CHEF??? *looks around for laughter* How’s that hot digital sustenance going broski?? Client wants it by 5 or Satan might ACTUALLY show up. *chuckles to self* So anyways if you could work overtime this weekend that would be major chillaxation.

THINGS WE DIG: 

• Old-school Beastie Boys Jams

• Bachelor’s Degree in English or Journalism

• Firm Grasp of AP style and creative writing techniques

• Able to thrive in a branded content newsroom environment and meet deadlines each week

• Our moms

• Proficient juggler (or any circus-like skills)

• Experience with additional Adobe Creative Suite would be both sick and tight

• Ability to be a digital marketing agency “rock star,” less the attitude and that whole snorting coke off Vegas hookers thing. 

I have just now decided that Pulse 360 is run by two thirteen year olds in a trenchcoat named “Mr. Marketing.” With this new information, I’m more impressed than I am angry.

To this writer’s credit, pre-teen duo or not, they did actually describe requirements for the job. Between “Old-school Beastie Boys Jams” and “Our moms,” there were three (!) actual job requirements with no jokes. I think this experience was emotionally traumatizing for the writer (aka not sick nor tight), and they may have overcorrected with the mention of hard drugs and sex workers.

On the other hand, the hooker thing may have been a genius loophole to get around fair-hiring practices by ensuring not a single woman applies to this job. These pubescent CEOs really know their stuff.

WHAT WE OFFER:

• Competitive Salary

• Hard-to-understand office British dude

• 100% covered employee health insurance

• Steezy office with super chill working atmosphere

• Free drinks and snacks, ping pong and foosball

• Opportunity to learn from and work with some of the brightest digital marketing, advertising and brand journalism minds

Once again, points to the writer for saying 3-4 actual things. Minus 10x that amount of points for saying “steezy office with super chill working atmosphere.” Also, there is like an 80% chance that the office British dude is South African. 

HOW TO APPLY:

If, after reading this, your stoke-level is off the charts - lets chat. Please follow-up via email only. All phone calls and walk-ins will be publicly flogged and forced to listen to Nickleback. 

Finally a Nickleback reference! I was getting nervous they would miss the Free Space on my “Chill and Funny Dude” bingo card.

As for my stoke-level regarding this opportunity, believe it or not, it is low. I will be waiting for a more lucrative and less annoying opportunity, Pulse 360, but thank you for the entertainment once again. 

I will see you in another 6 months. Until then, write on my fellow dragoons.

Terrible Seinfeld Premise of the Week

In which I get a terrible joke out of my system via Jerry Seinfeld. 

“What’s the deal with Leap Years? You don’t do any kind of jumping the other years!”

Kramer’s Redemption Premise of the Week

In which I pitch a pretty decent premise on behalf of Michael Richards, as part of the comeback America has been waiting for.

“I was flying the other day and the airline was pitching their credit card during the flight. More types of transportation should do that. I’d love to hear what special offers the bus has. ‘Our Medallion Plus Customers will be given the chance to upgrade to piss-free seats.’”